What do Skeletons say before eating? Bone Appetite.
Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank? He was caught drinking on the job.
Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them.
Why are Vampires Democrats? They wanted Gore in 2000.
What kind of clothes do Zombies wear? Decay NY.
Why aren’t there any famous skeletons? They’re a bunch of no bodies.
What kind of music do Mummies listen to? Wrap.
What do you call a guy turned on by a witch? Scared stiff.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Too Old to Trick or Treat
Signs that you are too old to Trick or Treat:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy in your bag, you lose your Balance and fall over.
6. People say: “Great Boris Karloff Mask,”
And you’re not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or .”And can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy in your bag, you lose your Balance and fall over.
6. People say: “Great Boris Karloff Mask,”
And you’re not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or .”And can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
Racehorses
The tragedy of for racehorses:
You win the race, you wind up on the front of the stamp.
Lose a race, you wind up on the back.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Huge Pause
A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and............... coke"
The bartender asks "what's with the huge pause?"
The bear says, "I've had them all my life."
The bartender asks "what's with the huge pause?"
The bear says, "I've had them all my life."
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Making Bacon
A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had
determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at
the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After
talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything
50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so
they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate
their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got
up at 5 AM, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was
the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I
know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're
in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if
they're in the mud, then they're not." The next morning they were
rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the
family station wagon and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning the following week until one morning the
farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to
his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in
the mud or in the field." "Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in
the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
No Ears
A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.
"Yes. You're wearing contacts."
Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"
"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."
Monday, October 8, 2007
Friday, October 5, 2007
Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert,wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.....
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet.”
“Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee”.
So with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon and every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
“Pepe, Pepe we ees saved! Eet is a Bacon Tree!”
“Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon. ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree”.
And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 feet, with Pepe close behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
“Pepe….go back man, you was right. ees not a bacon tree.”
“Luis, Luis, mi amigo. what ees it?”
“Pepe, ees not a bacon tree. ees a HAM BUSH!"
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet.”
“Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee”.
So with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon and every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
“Pepe, Pepe we ees saved! Eet is a Bacon Tree!”
“Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon. ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree”.
And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 feet, with Pepe close behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
“Pepe….go back man, you was right. ees not a bacon tree.”
“Luis, Luis, mi amigo. what ees it?”
“Pepe, ees not a bacon tree. ees a HAM BUSH!"
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Diarrhea
I heard that diarrhea kills as many people as cancer.
This really has me worried cause it runs in my family.
No seriously it runs in my genes.
This really has me worried cause it runs in my family.
No seriously it runs in my genes.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Friends
"Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my house."
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my house."
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