Fairy Tales

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.

One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'" Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know! He said 'Holy smokes! A talking Pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Accountants and Pigs

So one day Johnny decides he wants to be an
accountant and goes in for an interview.

Tester: If I give you two Pigs, and two
pigs, and another two pigs, how
many pigs have you got?
Johnny: SEVEN!

Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give
you two Pigs, and two pigs, and
another two pigs, how many pigs
have you got?
Johnny: SEVEN!

Tester: Let’s try this another way. If I give
you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of
beer, and another two bottles of beer, how
many bottles of beer have you got?
Johnny: SIX.

Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Pigs,
and two pigs, and another two pigs,
how many pigs have you got?
Johnny: SEVEN!

Tester: How on Earth do you work out that
three lots of two pigs is seven?
Johnny: I’ve already got one Pig
at home now!

Pigs on the Beach

New York City

Why do pigs go to New York City?
To see the Big Apple.

How do they get up there?
In pigup trucks.

What are they warned to watch out for?
Pigpockets.

Then where do they go?
To Madison Square Gardens, but they are always disappointed because they never find the vegetables.

Pig in a Bar

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"

Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

Burgers

Does it bother you that there is no Ham in a Hamburger?

Prickly Pig

What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?

A Porkupine.

Clean vs. Dirty

Did you hear the Dirty Pig joke?
A pig fell in the mud.

But wait it gets better... There's a clean one too.
A pig took a bath.

Ham and Eggs

A day's work for a chicken.
A lifetime commitment for a pig!

My Pig Belle

I once had a pet pig named Belle. One day I decided to let Belle have his freedom. When I let Belle go, he ran as fast as he could into a fence post. I could see three ribs exposed. Belle was dead! I decided to take Belle to a vet. The vet did an autopsy, he concluded Belle died from Suey Side.

George Bush

One day while George Bush was on his morning jog, he noticed a little
boy standing outside the White House gates. As curiosity got the best
of him, George jogged over to the gates to see what the little boy
was doing.

As he approached the gates, George was taken by surprise when he
noticed a sign saying "Republican Pigs For Sale." George asked the
boy about the pigs he was trying to sell. "What's up, son?" George
asked. To which the little boy replied, "I'm selling Republican
piglets. Would you like to buy one, Mr. President?' he answered.

"No, thank you, young man. I already have a pig. But thanks anyway,
and good luck," said the President. And he jogged away.

Thinking about how cute the piglets had been, George went to Laura
and told her about the Republican piglets. They both laughed about
how sweet it was that the little boy was trying to sell the piglets.

The next morning, George noticed the same little boy at the gate with
the same little piglets. This day, however, the sign read,
"Democratic Piglets For Sale."

George inquired about the sign: "Young man, yesterday when I was
here, you had a sign stating that these were Republican piglets for
sale. Now today you call the same piglets Democratic piglets. What's
the deal?"

To which the boy replied, "Yes sir, Mr. President, but today, they
all have their eyes open."

Al Gore Sighting

Spider Pig

SPIDER PIG

SPIDER PIG

Does whatever a SPIDER PIG does

Can he swing

From a web

No he cant

He's a pig

LOOK OOOUUUTTT!!!!

He is a SPIDER PIG!!

Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.

The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I want the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later, the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

Code

What language do Pigs use to keep secrets?

Pig Latin.....

Smart Pig

A travelling salesman came upon an old farmer sitting on his porch, next to the farmer was a pig with only one leg. The salesman was about to give his sales pitch when his curiosity got the best of him.

"Excuse me sir, but why does your pig only have one leg?" asked the salesman.

"Well sonny , I'll tell ya. One day I was out plowing the back 40 when my tractor overturned, pinning me underneath. I was losing blood and thought I would die when that pig came running. He dug and rooted around with his nose till he got me out and he dragged me back to the house. Saved my life that pig did."

"Wow, that's really amazing," said the salesman, "but I still don't know why the pig only has one leg."

"Well I'll tell ya," said the farmer. "One night me and the wife were asleep at about 3am when a fire broke out in the kitchen. Well that pig broke down the door, came into our bedroom waking us up and getting us out before the fire could get us, saved our lives that pig did!"

"Well that's really great but why does the pig only have one leg?"

"Well sonny, when you get a pig that smart, you don't want to eat him all at once!"

Work

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train
stops.

On my desk I have a work station…?

Bacon

What did one slice of Bacon say to the other Slice?

Nice Fat!!

Halloween

What do Skeletons say before eating? Bone Appetite.

Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank? He was caught drinking on the job.

Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them.

Why are Vampires Democrats? They wanted Gore in 2000.

What kind of clothes do Zombies wear? Decay NY.

Why aren’t there any famous skeletons? They’re a bunch of no bodies.

What kind of music do Mummies listen to? Wrap.

What do you call a guy turned on by a witch? Scared stiff.

Too Old to Trick or Treat

Signs that you are too old to Trick or Treat:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy in your bag, you lose your Balance and fall over.
6. People say: “Great Boris Karloff Mask,”
And you’re not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or .”And can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You keep having to go home to pee.

Racehorses

The tragedy of for racehorses:

You win the race, you wind up on the front of the stamp.

Lose a race, you wind up on the back.

Huge Pause

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and............... coke"

The bartender asks "what's with the huge pause?"

The bear says, "I've had them all my life."

Making Bacon

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had

determined  to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at
the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After
talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything
50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so
they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate
their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got
up at 5 AM, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was
the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the  pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I
know if they are  pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're
in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if
they're in the mud, then they're not." The next morning they were
rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the
family station wagon and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning the following week until one morning the
farmer  was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to
his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in
the mud or in the field." "Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in
the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

Halloween Bacon

I'm Bacon for Halloween

Pig-lets

What do you call a pig at a pawn shop?
Ham-Hock

In Denmark is a baby pig called Hamlet?

Canadian

What do you call a fat guy from Toronto who is laying on the beach?

Canadian Bacon!

No Ears

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"

"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."

Restaurant

How do you know if the head chef is a clown?

When the food tastes funny.

Knock Knock

Knock knock

Who's there?

Arthur

Arthur who?

Arthur any better jokes on this site?

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert,wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.....

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet.”

“Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee”.

So with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon and every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

“Pepe, Pepe we ees saved! Eet is a Bacon Tree!”

“Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”

“Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon. ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree”.

And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 feet, with Pepe close behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

“Pepe….go back man, you was right. ees not a bacon tree.”

“Luis, Luis, mi amigo. what ees it?”

“Pepe, ees not a bacon tree. ees a HAM BUSH!"

Solar Report

Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.

Pigs

What do you get when you cross a Pig and a Centipede?

Bacon and Legs

Diarrhea

I heard that diarrhea kills as many people as cancer.

This really has me worried cause it runs in my family.

No seriously it runs in my genes.

Numbers

Why is 10 afraid of 7?

because 7 ate 9

Friends

"Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

Pigs

What did the Pig on the beach say?

I'm Bacon.......